Auntie Scotch Raves

Ode to My Girlfriends

2008-03-31T19:00:00.000-07:00

I had the girls over on Thursday - Reg and Di. Knowing each other for almost thirty years made for some great trivia such as "who went to the Pink Floyd concert with us in '93?" (ps we are still debating because we were so screwed up on -deleted because we all have great jobs now-)...... and "where were YOU when Di had her first period?" It does strike me as strange that I met both of these women well before I was three years old and we are still friends to this day, and we will always be the first to admit that we have had our ups and downs (and sideways even), but if today is my last I will always thank god for the good friends that I have. Reg, Di, Lady, Amy. I could never ask for better sisters than you. Thanks.

Finally!!!!

2008-03-22T15:11:00.000-07:00

After what seems like ages and ages and ages, I have FINALLY gotten a new computer and better yet - my dear brother hooked it up for me today!!! So as I type this I am in the comfort of my very own beautiful home office drinking a glass of red wine.

Easter is tomorrow and I've opted out of doing absolutely anything. I know, it is terrible. Quite honestly I don't feel like visiting family, my niece Kay will be with her mom and family and for some reason the holidays are seeming less and less significant to me without the presence of children. Clock ticking, Scotch? Possibly. More likely I am just too lazy to be presentable and communicative on a Sunday. Isn't that what Monday through Friday is for? Christ, I pat myself on the back if I even muster up the energy to conceive of taking a shower. Ah the life of a singleton, so glamorous.

Last week I made my St. Patrick's Days resolutions - get in shape, get a boyfriend (or at least try to get laid), be more domestic, yada yada yada. It has become a tradition for me to make resolutions on March 17, the origin of this is unknown to me but I am guessing it started on the floor of a bathroom swearing to turn my life around. Although my bathroom floor days are over (knock on tile) there is no time like the present to set some new ground rules for myself since my eating, drinking and all around lifestyle has gotten out of control over the past six months. I truly cannot by any means blame the new gig, but I do have to say that where I used to have to twist some arms to get some company for an after work drink at my old job in Cambridge, I pretty much work with 40 replicas of myself now. Scary. Frightening. Fun. Funny. Scary.

All week I did a good job at these resolutions, I didn't even have a drink on St. Patrick's Day. I brought a salad to work every day, cooked every night and even cut down on my caffeine intake. When Thursday rolled around I felt great, but then a bad day at work followed, and then my friends kept calling me from the Junction and I just couldn't resist.

Ah, this post is boring the shit out of me..... nothing to report about the Junction, had beer, had spinach dip (good, which is rare I am finding). Di came over later that night and I just had to stay up until midnight despite the fact I had all day meetings starting at 7AM on Friday. I was so tired when I got home Friday night that I cancelled my reservations at Rialto

So that's about it folks, I am sure I will write more tonight, just have to think of a good story that took place during my absence, obviously this week didn't produce any!!

Love yas!

Day One

2008-02-22T14:43:00.000-08:00

I'm back, at least I think I am. It is pretty weird typing out my thoughts after being on hiatus for so long.

I am alive, but I am not going to bore you with the details of where I've been or why I haven't been writing because honestly, not much has changed. The biggest variance is in the backdrop of my life as well as the cast of characters. I go out more often, which isn't always a great thing, and I have become more adventurous of where I go.

I'm still single but announced after a depressing realization over Christmas that 2008 is the year I am getting married. This confused many into thinking I had gotten engaged over the holiday, in fact I think the girls at work are planning a shower for me soon. I am contemplating a registry. Do you think Crate and Barrell carries shame?

But I am back, and I promise to update and I'm sorry I ever left. I won't back-track beyond today, I am starting over.

Hello?

2008-02-22T10:29:00.000-08:00

How is everyone? Just seeing if I still exist...

To catch you up to speed - it's Friday, it's snowing, I am looking at the Pru from my office window right now (actually that is a lie, I just turned to look out the window and it's either too snowy or the Prudential Center has fallen off the face of the earth).

I am slightly hungover, I just convinced the office to order Chinese food.

So as you can see, not much has changed on the Scotch front.

The Difference Between Southie and Dorchester...

2007-09-24T15:32:00.000-07:00

According to this guy, anyhow....

My friend Di and I went out for a late lunch (i.e. early drinks) in the South Boston area last Saturday afternoon. We hit up one place to watch the beginning of the sox game and then headed to a fairly well-known dive bar to watch the end of it. The place was pretty empty. After the first round we decided to go out and have a smoke. There was a guy out there also indulging and he struck up a conversation with us.

"So, whereya's from?" he questioned in an Irish accent.

We told him and returned the question. He told us what county he was from (can't remember) but then said he was now living in Dorchester. Di said she once lived in Dorchester for a time.

He then started to tell us about how he lived in the "good part" of Dot and how it is easy to turn a corner and end up on the "wrong side of the tracks." He then went on, unprovoked, to tell us this...

"One evening I had too much to drink at Murphy's Law here in Southie," he said. "I mean, I was drunk, ya know? I left the bar and took a seat on the sidewalk, the next thing I know I woke up and it was, oh, 'bout five o'clock in the morn."

And at that Di interjected an "oops..." ....he went on...

"I was wearing a gold chain on my neck, a snazzy watch, and had two hundred dollars in my pocket. But do you know what? Can you guess what?? Not a soul bothered with me. Not a soul."

It was at that point I got confused about where this story was heading.

"In Dorchester", he continued, "I would have been robbed blind. But not in this town. In this town they wouldn't rob a bloke laying on the sidewalk." He then stubbed out his butt and headed back into the bar.

I don't really know the moral of this story, my biggest concern was that Di and I looked like the type of gals that a man would meet and immediately feel free to tell he once slept on a sidewalk.

A Few Catch-ups

2007-09-18T15:18:00.000-07:00

Things have been so busy lately, mostly due to the new job that I haven't had time to reflect. Also, my home computer shit the bed so I am typing this from Jude's house right now (and she is currently talking to me about banking woes and her dog's diabetes).

So, in no particular order, here are a few gems to re-introduce you to the Scotch you once knew.

Landmines

My job is in the Financial District (wait, Jude is now talking to me about my niece.....), before I worked in Harvard Square I worked in the financial for 4 years - I was in my early twenties. If I had to guess I would say that at least 55% of the men I have been involved with came from that job. As crazy as I am now I was much more brazen and fun-loving in my early twenties. What kills me now is that everytime I am running around the South Station area looking for the kinkos or having a meltdown on the wooden bridge that connects Congress and Summer Street I always run into one of these guys. I call them landmines. I always look out to try and avoid them but when I least expect it, there is David or Josh heading my way wanting to have the ol' howyadoin chat. I want to scream "I AM NO LONGER THAT GIRL!!" I am not the asshole who you slept with and then stood up for an Elton John concert! I am not the girl who fell down a flight of stairs at Three Cheers pub! I am not the girl in the elevator with you holding her bra when the door opened and it was CEO!! I am Scotch, I am 31, I often drink too much and get loud and funny but that aside that is where the similarities end.

Kilts

The other night after way too many beers two of my friends and I decided to hit the shittiest last call bar in town - The Boyne. We weren't there for five minutes when two gentlemen walked in wearing kilts. My girlfriend turns to me and says "I dare you to..." she didn't even get it out before I was up there requesting a peek. Turns out the rumors are true. We danced to AC/DC and then went home.

I must sign off, Jude is now talking to me about tree pruning.

Love yas!

What Once Was Lost...

2007-09-17T16:25:00.000-07:00

Saturday afternoon I got a call from Jude on my cell. She was up at the Rockingham Plaza in Salem, New Hampshire. She lost her keys. She was stranded.

Merging onto I-90 in my car that has brakes so bad it shouldn't be driven I was nearly side swiped and then nearly side swiped a car trying to avoid the first car.

But I made it up there, gave her the keys, and then headed back to Boston. Got lost, ended up on Mass Ave in Roxbury, as I always do when I get lost, but found a sneakly little quick turn back onto I-90 West from Boyleston Street.

When I got home there he was. This thing. This guy.

He had been gone for over 25 days. I dealt with the fact that he was dead over two weeks ago. But there he was. Tattered, injured. Hungry but unable to eat. Fucking really thirsty.

I'm not pointing fingers. But the vet says someone hurt him.

But hes home, my brother fixed my brakes, Sears called my mother and told her they found her keys.

Lessons of the Week

2007-08-17T16:17:00.000-07:00

No. 1

If you are like me and are prone to getting ink all over yourself, best not to use a yellow highlighter. If it gets all over your hands and face it will look like mustard - if you are lucky, I am fairly sure half the folks at my office think I am suffering from some deficiency. Although they wouldn't be all wrong because I am obviously lacking somewhere.

No. 2

What is worse than taking the bus, worse than being in your car and getting caught behind a bus - being on an "Express" bus and getting caught behind another, local, bus.

No. 3

The Boston Tea Party museum burnt down three years ago. An Asian tourist came up and asked me where it was, showing me a map. I looked at the map, then over to the Congress Street bridge construction, back to the map, scratched my head.....looked at the Asian girl...looked at the map...the construction...the map....finally some old lady came up and told us it burnt down three years ago. Nosy know-it-all old lady. I woulda figured it out eventually.

No. 4

I was a lunatic for ever taking the bus when I could of been driving all this time. 15 minutes tops - even in traffic. 15 goddamn minutes. Side note - if you tell the guy in charge of parking passes that you are embarrassed of your car he will immediately go check it out and then come back and announce (in front of everyone) that it isn't so bad, it just needs to be cleaned. Another note - at home I park under a tree and even if I do take it to the car wash it is dirty the next day....just saying.....

Anyhow, happy Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!

Finally, A Drinking Story....

2007-08-13T17:34:00.001-07:00

Finally!! My anxiety has slowed down enough to start to write again about the important things in life. Men and booze. Here is one of the many moments I've had in the past few weeks in regards to just that.

Last Wednesday night my friend and I went out for drinks at a local bar to oogle softball cuties having their weekly post-game drinks. A friend of hers, a male cop, was there and we ended up sitting with him at the bar. For the next hour or so we received shots and beers and whatnot from across the bar from people who we didn't know. After the third time this happened it dawned on my friend and I - people thought we were cops too. It came to a head when one of the guys approached and asked us what district we worked for - since I am more comfortable lying about things such as my weight and age rather than my occupation (but of course that is also a lie, I have been known to claim I am a CIA agent every now and then), I fessed up that I wasn't a cop. You think he would of taken that in stride, me being a girl and all - but he was frigin pissed. Pissed meaning drunk and pissed meaning angry. I offered to buy him a drink - he refused. I offered to have my friend give him a bj - she refused.

Just another reason to stick by my "no unsolicited drinks" policy, folks. I should get a tattoo of that on my wrist to constantly remind myself.

I'll write more later in the week possibly exploring such topics as:

Why can't I date a man named Melvin?

Why can't my friends and I not stop ourselves from drinking the night before we are scheduled to drink together resulting in one big massive hangover? :-)

Not Dead...Yet....

2007-08-07T18:18:00.000-07:00

I've fallen in the trap of so much to tell that it seems useless to even try.

Tonight marks the one week anniversary of my new job.

I've learned so much thus far, I am constantly busy and challenged. But I have had time to reflect a bit - mostly on the Downtown Express Bus (which dare I say it - it's a fucking pleasure, expensive, but a goddamn joy - and yes, still haven't ventured downtown in the RAV just yet, bit embarrassed of my car but that will be a future blog). Anyhoo...reflections......

I realized that in the past (or so I hope) that I have always presented and applied myself to a lower standard, and then, I have the glory of surprising people with what I am actually capable of. Here, now...it is a different story. They expect the best of me, nothing less. And therefore I have no choice but to be better. Better than my best.

I am driven, I am focused, I am happy.

Enough with the deep thoughts, already.

Oddly enough, with so much time spent at work my social life has also had a boom. I promise to update more often soon.

I miss you guys.

Hitting the Ground Running....

2007-07-31T18:31:00.000-07:00

First day, a long day, at the new gig.

Nothing more to say than - I love it. I wasn't there two hours this morning before I was busy, challenged, excited.

Oh, and I get a parking space. I am truly glad my new boss did not disclose this during the interview process because I may have just offered to work there for free (and yes I'm keeping it clean folks).

A parking space. A fucking parking space. Downtown. A parking space.

The option, if I am so bold to take it...to never....ever...ever..... have to take the T again. If I so choose, I will never ever have to be wait for the bus, or time a train, or...HOLY SHIT A PARKING SPACE!!

I put $50 bucks on a Charlie Card anyhow. Go figure.

Anyhow, blogs are going to be sparse for a bit while I get my shit together. Thank you all for the well wishes and please oh please don't let my next blog be titled "Fired"..... or..."Get back on the Bus"....

The Last Day Email

2007-07-27T12:01:00.000-07:00

So today is my last day at my current job - new one starts on Tuesday.

In keeping with company tradition I sent out the usual "Goodbye/Thanks" mass email.

One great response I got from Jay in IT:

"Best of luck to you, and never forget - the world is your ashtray."

Kind of an inside joke but I was thinking - how many times do you think I'd be run off the road if I got the phrase "The World is My Ashtray" put onto a bumper sticker? This could work great with my idea of a "Masshole on Board" sign for my back window.

ha.

More to come this weekend, it's just been so busy, yet busy in a boringly bad way, this week.

Open Letter to my Job

2007-07-25T11:43:00.000-07:00

Dear Job:

Well, it's less than three days that we have left together now and although I've been mostly occupying myself with happy thoughts of the future I must admit I cried today at the thought of leaving you.

It's been a long and crazy four plus years we had together - we've pretty much seen it all, haven't we?

I imagine that in another month or so they'll be someone else in here doing you and you'll most likely have forgotten all about me by then.

I will never forget how much I loved you at times and how at other times I was sick at the thought of you. Our late nights, those times when I put you before everyone and everything else. But there were moments, phases even, when you were the only sane and stable thing I had in my life. Thank you for that.

At times you defined me. You could make or break me in a heart beat. Other times I didn't want to be associated with you at all.

But now, at the end, I know this - I am a better person for having had you in my life and I will never forget all you have taught me and all you have given me.

Thanks Job, I will miss you.

Deep Thoughts by Auntie Scotch

2007-07-18T12:26:00.000-07:00

Late last week Amy started to read the book “The Secret” and in my typical monkey-see/monkey-do behavior I picked up a copy for myself on Monday night. Personally I really haven’t had time to get into it yet but from what Ames said a good part of it is keeping your eyes open for signs (I think).

In any case, yesterday on my way to the bus stop I decided to give my Ipod a rest and take notice of the world around me in hopes that I too would receive a message from the universe.

I was not disappointed. As I waited, a butterfly fluttered by me and landed in the dirt next to an urban renewal planted-type tree only steps from my feet. It’s beauty was remarkable even amongst the discarded cigarette butts and other miscellaneous litter that surrounded it.

I went into deep thought about the beauty of change, how I am now at a crossroad and this butterfly is symbolic of what I can be, what I will be.

Then it fluttered it’s wings a bit and I was snapped back into reality, I’m afraid of bugs. Even pretty ones. I feared if that butterfly came near me I would instinctively swat it away, possibly injuring it.

More deep thoughts - if the butterfly symbolized the beauty of change and good things ahead, could it be that I have been pushing these things away out of fear?

I remembered Suldog’s blog on bees and how it made me feel silly about my fear of bugs by making me realize that insects aren’t out to hurt me, they are just trying to do their thing.

Even more deep thoughts – maybe if I learn more and change the way I think about the things I fear, there will be nothing that I cannot conquer.

It was then that I decided to write a blog about this. For effect, I reached in my bag and grabbed my camera. As I was about to take the shot, the butterfly flew off. Into traffic. Underneath a wheel of a Honda Civic. No way, it can’t end like this I thought. It has to have made it.

As the light changed and the car started to move, I saw what was left of that butterfly on the wheel of the car as it went by me.

One last deep thought – no more deep thoughts for me.

Two Short but Sweets for Monday

2007-07-16T13:07:00.000-07:00

One....

This weekend my mother was driving along Storrow Drive with my 5 year old niece Kay when someone cut her off.

Jude: “Jeezus!!”

Kay, waving her fist responded in a thick Boston accent (that we never even knew she had): “Stupid Ahshole”

See, you are never too young to be a Masshole.

and two….

Reg and I went out for drinks on Sunday to watch the game and got into a conversation about ID checking with the bartender .

Bartender: Wow, you sure know your stuff, you must work in this business.

Me: Um, no, (cough), um…I…uh…..we ….(now dragging Reg into it)…. just drink in bars a lot.

Goodnight, Mr. Butch

2007-07-13T11:15:00.000-07:00

RIP Mr. B.

May you get shut off by St. Peter and tossed out on yer ars by the angels. You will be missed here.

Rotten Orange

2007-07-13T08:37:00.000-07:00

An update to the Retarded Guy vs. My Mom's Cat(s) story - apparently when I was on vacation one of the neighbors told my mom that she witnessed the guy kicking another one of my mother's cats, Clinton (aka "Rotten Orange"). Of course Jude was beside herself but honestly, I'm sure he didn't do a full on kick ball kick or pull the Karate Kid Crane on him, he probably just wanted to shoo him away. In any case, by the look of the photo I took of Clinton today I can see that:

a. He doesn't give a shit, and

b. He kinda asks for it, doesn't he? In fact, he kinda begs for it.

In Honor of it Being 7-11.....

2007-07-11T14:54:00.000-07:00

.....I present to you a conversation I had with my friend Kerry last night in regards to the Friday night before I went on vacation when a group of us went out to celebrate my new job.

ME: Hope I wasn’t acting a-fool that Friday, I was feeling pretty good.

KERRY: No worries, you were kind of funny though. You demanded the cab stop at 7-11 for smokes and then came out with a huge bag of Funyuns, a 2-liter of Diet Coke, and a king size Butterfinger.* When we took off you demanded we stop at Store 24 because you forgot the smokes. When we dropped you off you refused to take the Funyuns with you.

*Aside from the Diet Coke (which oddly enough I had like 10 12 packs in my fridge at home), I don’t think I’ve ever eaten Funyuns or purchased a butter finger in my life prior to that night.

More on (b)OOB, Chachachanges......

2007-07-09T17:06:00.001-07:00

On Tuesday morning I woke up at 6AM - if there is one thing I miss about my youth it is the ability to sleep in. Isn't it strange that when you have something to do, like work, you'll try to sleep until the very last second, but when you don't have any immediate plans something compels you to jump out of bed and start the day?

I slept well considering I was all alone in a tiny old cabin - the memory of two years ago when I stayed in the same place with my boyfriend and another couple and someone accidently walked into our cabin drunkingly mistaking it for theirs was fresh but my fear was dulled by the beer and exhaustion. I jumped in the car and headed to Dunkin Donuts. Before I knew it it was 10AM and Reg called to report she was on the road. Always one to laugh in the face of speed limits, she was there before I knew it.

We unloaded her car and settled into lounge chairs by the pool, three hours later we were giddy and buzzed. The thing about me and Reg is that we could be confined in a cell for months on end (and that isn't really out of the question) and never run out of things to talk about. We've been friends forever - when I think about that it gives me hope that I can indeed commit to someone or something.

After cutting out the drinks for a few hours, showering and resting, we were ready to hit the town. My friend Sand and her husband have a place in the downtown area so we planned to meet up with them.

When we arrived Sand came out of the bar she was at to meet us. As we walked toward the place I realized Sand was a bit buzzed. This was obvious because she rushed towards the train tracks to meet us and nearly got knocked down by the wooden divider that was closing down because a train was coming. Once the barriers were down, her on one side, us on the other I decided it was a good time to duck under and cross. This totally freaked the hell out of all the little kids who were holding ice cream cones and gleefully (yet now horrificly) awaiting the passing of the train. "Mam!! You are going to get your heel stuck!!" a 8 year old yelled. I ignored him. See kids, beer makes you fearless. Fine example I am.

We went to the first place and ate and then headed to another bar. I can only describe the scene as being really wicked frigin shady. Older men, middle aged women dressed in almost costume-like sexy outfits, all staring at me and Reg as if we were intruders. Sand being buzzed tried really hard to introduce both Reg and I to different men that she knew (despite Reg saying time and time again she had a boyfriend and I assuring her I just wasn't interested). One guy, who Regina swears looks exactly like Rose Nylon's boyfriend Miles (Harold Gould) from The Golden Girls was trying to convince us he was turning 50 at midnight.

I went out to smoke a butt in front of the joint and noticed that creepy looking dudes were coming in and then leaving with the older ladies....hmmm..... Some guy approached me and asked me if I was from Maine. I told him no, I was a tourist, he introduced himself and then we got into a brief conversation about my fear of amusement park rides (there was one directly across the street) and he said something almost profound and I was done with my smoke.

Nice to meet you Tim, I said shaking his hand, I've got to get back.

"Wow, a handshake!! Can I have a hug?" he asked.

Um, no

"Well can I least feel your breasts?" he asked with a stone cold serious face.

I like you're straight-forward attitude, Tim, but I don't think so. Have a good night.

Reg and I realized shortly after I got back that we were most likely witnessing men coming into the place and leaving with escorts. That alone would make me uneasy but coupled with the fact that there were parents and young children walking by the front window carrying fried dough and ice cream cones really made my skin crawl.

The rest of the trip was fun, we spent out days relaxing by the pool laughing our heads off and only headed downtown a few more times. We checked out The Pier which was pretty cool when we went earlier in the evening but later at night, especially on Saturday night I presume, it turns into somewhat of a "Girls Gone Wild" scene. Which is cool for some I guess but just not my scene anymore. I'm 29 (+4 -2) after all. Overall we had a great time.

It was driving home on Sunday when the panic set in for me. This was more than just the "Sunday dreads" one gets when anticipating the upcoming work week. As I made my way down 128 South past the Yorks, past Portsmouth, by Bysfield and Georgetown and Topsfield and finally home to good old Boston, it finally hit me what I had done the Friday before I left for vacation.

I quit my job.

Okay, let me put a more positive spin - I got a great offer that I couldn't turn down out of the blue from a downtown firm that is totally out of the current field I am working in. As scared shitless as I am I cannot help but think that this is going to change my life and take me places only three weeks ago I never thought I'd go.

New beginnings.

Drunk Girls on Golf Carts

2007-07-09T08:49:00.000-07:00

So I went up on Monday and it turned out that Regina had some work stuff to take care of and couldn’t get there until Tuesday. My cousin and my uncle both have places up there but I was a bit hesitant just to drop in. They knew I was going to be up there for the week but I didn’t have a phone number so I didn’t want to impose or seem like a pain.

I got there about 2PM. I unpacked my car and dosed the cabin with Lysol before I settled into a lounge chair facing the pool and cracked a beer. What to do what to do. I texted Reg a million times and called Jude half a dozen. By 5PM I had enough liquid testosterone to slap on some make-up and heels and venture up the street to grab some dinner at the Ocean Grill. Sticking out like a sore thumb I ordered a beer and a sandwich and headed outside to the patio where I texted Reg, called Jude and chain smoked.

A few beers after that I concluded that it wouldn’t hurt to do a walk-by on my cousin and uncles places just for giggles. If I felt weird I would just leave and they would never know the difference. Aside from that, I could throw a stone at their park from the Ocean Grill. So off I went. I didn’t realize how frigin big the place was. It was a gated place and as soon as the click of the heels hit the pavement beyond the gate it seemed as though everyone came out on their porch to see who was intruding.

I stopped at a trailer near the gate and asked a woman if she knew where the two lots I was looking for where. She wasn’t so sure but flagged down two men on a golf cart. Next thing I know I’m on the back of a golf cart heading towards my uncle and cousin’s places.

So instead of being inconspicuous and taking a peek I arrive at their place buzzed and arms extended yelling “I HAVE ARRIVED, PEOPLE, I HAVE ARRIVED!” The surprise element had everyone in stitches. I was glad that I went to see my uncle, we had more beers, watched the game on a TV that my cousin had somehow taped to a tree, and laughed over and over again about the golf cart entrance.

I’ll write more tomorrow about how I now know why Sassy afraid of OOB.

Vacation, A New Home for Crystal

2007-07-01T06:42:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow morning I'm off to Old Orchard Beach with a cooler full of beers and a mini-grill I got for my birthday but have no idea how to use yet. Thinking it may be a good idea to buy the propane up there considering I'll be chain smoking the entire time due to nerves. I don't think I've ever driven such a distance by myself. Reg isn't able to make it up there until Monday night the latest due to work stuff.

I truly can't get the hell out of here fast enough. About two weeks ago a non-profit organization for a few mentally challenged adults moved in across the street. Somehow they are under the impression that the cat who hangs out in their front yard belongs to me. Just because I know it by name and talk to it and it is in fact my mother's cat Crystal doesn't mean she belongs to me. :-) Seriously, though....what am I suppose to do? My folks took Crystal in about 15 years ago (side note, remember I live in the upstairs apt. above my mother Jude). She was and is an outdoor cat and always has been (we had her fixed, shots, etc). Anyhow, I can't leave my house, sit on the front porch, etc. without being yelled at by one of the residents that he is allergic to cats. I've told him time and time again she is not my cat and really, she isn't. The fucked up thing about all of this is Crystal is usually wicked scared of people, but for some reason she is drawn to this guy - he's always out on his porch and I've seen him pet and play with her but sometimes he shoos her off - she doesn't budge. I am fairly certain she is smitten. I guess the only thing I can do is rat Jude out next time we are out there together. Aren't I a good daughter snitching my mother out to the retarded guy across the street? Oh well, better her than me.

Have a great week everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Andelmans, Porta-Potties, OOB

2007-06-25T10:27:00.000-07:00

Saturday was a busy day. I got up early because I had a gazillion appointments and then headed to meet some friends downtown at the Phantom Gourmet Beach Party BBQ. Although I thought I loved the Andelmans, after Saturday I'm starting to have second thoughts - you've got to hand it to them for this creative scam though. Anyhow, I’ll sum it up:

The Good

BEER!!! Plenty of it, cold and moderately priced Bud and Bud Lite. You cannot beat hanging around City Hall Plaza catching a buzz while scoping out all the folks dressed in purple.

The Bad

Okay, you’d have to really love barbecue to tolerate the huge lines for over-priced and reportedly (and experienced) mediocre food. Unfortunately, I am not so I refused to do so. I sampled some pulled pork and chicken from my buddies’ plates and although it was decent, certainly not worth waiting in line for 40 minutes. In fact, there are few things on this planet I would wait 40 minutes in line for. Not even beer but possibly sex and definitely sex and beer.

The Ugly

Ironically one cannot have too much good without needing to experience the ugly.

Porta-Potties.

Number one rule for Porta-Potties – just say no. But if you must, the number one rule changes to never, ever, never ever ever look down. These had to be the grossest portable toilets I have ever tangled with – and believe you me, you don't drink as much as I do never to have danced with these babies before. My stomach is seriously lurching as I type this from the memories so I am going to stop there.

Overall I had a good time but only because of the people I was with. Afterwards we went to “The Emerald” for a much needed clean bathroom, a few more beers, and some appetizers that totally sucked. Another thing just to say no to - Truffle Fries.

I jumped back on the green line home to sober up for an hour or so before I went to a small cocktail party in Watertown. It was at my friend Sand’s newly renovated house that looks like something out of the pages of Elle Décor magazine. Her boyfriend designed the whole place and I was just awe-struck (not to mention a little drunk.

Regina came with me, which I was very happy about because for one she tolerates the extra chromosome I develop when I am a bit tipsy (DAMMIT! I forgot the gifts! As we are ten minutes away from the party) and she also gives me a heads up when the booze starts talking for me.

“Lay off the pooch” she said.

The hooch?

“No, the pooch. Calling her dog a ‘handsome well behaved beast’ was as unfunny and creepily inappropriate the sixth time you said it as it was the first time you said it when we walked in.

Nuff said.

I was also happy Reg got to meet Sand and her boyfriend. Next week we are all going to be up in Old Orchard Beach for the week. So let the vacay countdown begin – 7 days to go!! Sun, fun, drinks by the pool, beach, cook outs, clam bakes, beer bellied dudes in Bermuda shorts!

Woo hoo, I can’t wait!!

Weekend Excerpt - the Walk of Shame

2007-06-19T13:01:00.000-07:00

Well there is just way too much to write about this past weekend – my brother got married on Friday and my birthday was on Sunday, needless to say I did more drinking in the past five days than even the most seasoned alcoholics have done since the beginning of 2007.

After the wedding was over and the after party was in full swing I found it impossible to do two things – one, check into my hotel room, therefore I had to spend the night on the couch in a friend and his wife’s suite and two, going to get my bag with a change of clothes out of my mother’s car.

Because of this, when the sun rose and it was time to high tail it out of there and go to my mother’s car to throw on a track suit, I had no choice but the shamefully walk through the hotel lobby in my bridesmaid dress from the night before.

Five feet from the entrance I thought I had it made when I heard the all too familiar voice of my five year old niece, Kay, screech

“OH NANA!! THERE’S AUNTIE!!! LOOK AT HER BEAUTIFUL DRESS!!!”

Shit. I turned around to see my mother, Kay, the bride’s two brothers and their families and about a half dozen other relatives and friends of the bride and groom. Dammit. Shit.

All I could say is “this isn’t as bad as it looks.”

I’ve never been so ashamed.

Oh wait, yes I have.

Just One of the Guys

2007-06-12T12:02:00.000-07:00

One of my oldest and dearest friends got married on Sunday. He has been like a second brother to me. My second brother, growing up he was always in a cast or on crutches hobbling over to my house anytime a member of the opposite sex came ten feet near my door demanding intentions be put on the table. My second brother, who I once blamed for a joint found in my coat pocket, who once told all the neighborhood boys I had more hair on my back than I did on my head (UNFOUNDED!!). He is a blessed hole in my head that second brother of mine.

The wedding was beautiful. I cried like a baby - one part because of beauty of it all and one part because of the voice whispering “it will never be you. You are going to die alone.” But soon my mother quieted down and the bar opened, my eyes dried and it was time to party.

This was a hometown bonanza, I saw people I haven’t seen in years. Crazy people. Fun people. I just knew it was going to be one of those nights. You know, those nights where you drop the entire contents of your wallet into the toilet (check) and wake up the next morning with a melted carvel ice cream cake all over your coffee table because you took it out to eat but passed out before you got a chance to attack it (double check)? Yeah, one of those nights.

Growing up I had a huge social circle that mostly consisted of platonic male friends. I haven’t seen most of them in several years so it was so great catching up. I was a bit surprised, we picked up like it was yesterday. I was quite shocked that even though we are all older and they don’t really know me that well anymore that they were fairly free to say whatever gross or inappropriate thing that came to their minds. I wasn’t offended so to speak, just surprised is all. Fairly flattered in a way – obviously I can still hang with the boys although don’t really know if I want to again anytime soon.

My mother (Jude) showed me some pictures. There is one of me with several of the guys, Tall Jake is behind me giving me a hug, everyone else is smiling but I look like I am about to scream.

“What’s with your face in this one?” she asks.

“Oh, Tall Jake told me he had an erection a second before you took the shot.”

And that pretty much sums up the whole evening. Great food, great drinks, great friends standing behind you with an erection as your mom takes a photo. I felt as if I was 14 again. And I wonder where the social anxiety around men comes from!?!?

The Boys Club

2007-06-12T08:36:00.000-07:00

Well, I’m back after a very very long, almost too long, weekend of partying like a rock star – all in the name of happily ever after.

Saturday night the gals and I took out my future sister-in-law for her last Saturday night as a single lady. It was a lot of fun, we went to Bisuteki Japanese Steak House for dinner first. This is the place where the chef cooks the food right at your table. Great food, saki, and the possibility of getting a shrimp tail particle in your eye – I really don’t see the point of eating any other way.

After that we headed to a lounge in a popular downtown Boston hotel. There was some sort of convention in town and the place was crawling with escorts, old business men, and binge drinking 30 year old women (okay so that last part was me). Seriously, it was every wife’s worst nightmare – I swore I saw Ted Kennedy at one point. That was the other funny part about this place, there were so many frigin people who looked like celebrities. Richard Pryor’s twin was there, I had my picture taken with Paulie Walnuts doppelganger (Sopranos). I told him I hope he didn’t get whacked on Sunday. If I knew then what I know now I probably would have done away with him right then and there. Damn you Sopranos!

But we all had a great time, too many laughs to even remember. The cherry was when I was leaving a convention-goer from Chicago approached me and asked if I’d like to come up to his room so he could give me a massage. I declined but like the true creepy gentleman he was he went out to the street and hailed me a cab anyhow. See ladies, there are a few left out there - even if they are probably married with children and have a bottle of KY ready and waiting in their hotel room for the first girl who says yes. Chivalry is alive indeed.

I’m going to break this entry up – more to come.