Snowshoes, Bearded Ladies, and the Papparazzi

Today was my big day to go snowshoeing at the Decordova Sculpture Park in Lincoln. I was a little bit excited, but mostly scared. I have never done it before and I wasn't sure if I was too out of shape or too uncoordinated to do it. On top of that, I had not met most of the people who were going, so social anxiety was setting in and since the excursion was at 1PM I felt it to be inappropriate for me to slug down a few diet and captains to loosen me up.

I woke up early and headed to Target in hopes to find a cheap pair of sensible boots because all I own is what Jude calls "fashion boots". Since you never know when you are going to be discovered and want to wear your fashion boots even when you are wearing sweat pants and a sauce stained t-shirt, I have never owned a bought or worn sensible boots (i.e. waterproof, comfortable, won't give me blisters, create a red ring around my calf, or chaf my upper thighs - ew, just kidding on the last one but not the second to last). In any case, Target did not have any womens sensible or fashion boots, so I had to go over to the men's section.

There was an older lady in the men's boots section, staring blankly at the huge selection of Mack work boots and other steel toed delights. I asked her if she had come across any women's boots and she looked at me and said no and that is why she was in the men's section too. This part of the story would seem pretty pointless unless I point out that when she looked up to speak to me I almost choked because she had a full mustache and beard. I am not talking about a few whiskers or a slight mustache, I am talking about Kenny Rogers, Jerry Garcia, Uncle Jesse of the Dukes of Hazzard. Let's just say it was noticeable. So I grabbed the manliest looking pair of steel toe boots, not caring if they were waterproof or not, and high tailed it out of there.

I made it to the Decordova in record time, taking the highway unnessesarily just because I have OCD and I can't get anywhere unless it is off of 128.

Heather and a few of her friends were already there, and I was instantly relaxed because I could just tell they were kind folks who won't judge due to my lack of education, love of reality TV, or obession with the Anna Nicole Smith trial(s). Of course, since this isn't info I usually share with strangers, I mean that they weren't going to hammer me with questions about my background or test my knowledge of art and current events (which as some of you know I could probably talk about but have no confidence doing so with PhD types).

Our tour guide come out soon after I got there and we started to line up for our snowshoes. There were a few people in front of me and I heard them saying some numbers but wasn't sure what they were being asked. As I got closer, the horror finally became clear. We had to tell her our weight so she could figure out what kind of snowshoes to give us.

But God was feeling generous towards me and he gave me a pass. The woman in front of me weighed just about the same as me so I was able to see which ones she was given and simply point out which ones I wanted. Thank frigin god because the only man on the trip just so happen to be standing right behind me and was surely going to hear exactly how overweight I was. I would like to think he wouldn't have been able to tell by my appearance alone. :-)

So we were off, I have to admit it was a little awkward at first, but I got the hang of it in no time. Our tour guide was great, she took us around from sculpture to sculpture and gave us just the right amount of information for us to draw our own conclusions on the pieces. Although I was impressed by the cool trojan horse piggy bank and the beautiful sculputre of Eve, I had to say that my favorite was the two teepees collapsed into each other made out of tires titled "No More Cookies and Milk", it made me feel kind of sad thinking about how when shit collapes all around you the good old days are seemingly gone.

In any case, there was a photographer from the local newspaper there following us around like the paparazzi, once the online edition comes out I will post it here.