Poor White Child
To say I have fair, pale skin is not an understatement, it is an outright lie. In fact, the best adjective to describe my skin tone has to be translucent. If I stare long enough at my forehead in the mirror I can actually see the beginnings of a brain tumor forming due to years of microwave misuse and abuse.
Side note, banana peels will catch on fire if you put them in the microwave and even if you do succeed in drying them out, you will not get high if you smoke them. This lesson brought to you by Scotch circa 1992.
Like quite a few people of Irish decent, I burn like a like a Richard Gere poster in New Delhi when out in the sun. The sun became my enemy at the tender age of nine or ten after a day of fun with my friend and her family at Lake Cochituate. Jude, my mother, who believed if you were old enough to walk and use a toilet, you were old enough to make your own decisions and deal with the consequences, sent me out the door with a peanut butter sandwich and a hug, but neglected to give me SPF or warn me of the dangers of the sun. Just kidding mom I love you.
The burn was horrible - blisters, pus, huge pieces of skin everywhere - the absolute worst. I remember that HBO was premiering “The Muppets Take Manhattan” that night but I had to miss it because I had to lay face down in my parents bed with the fan blowing above me because if it blew on my skin I would scream. Also, my father did not believe in air conditioners – to him needing one was a sign of weakness. After he passed away we buried him, mourned him, and then hightailed it to Bradlees to buy an air conditioner. Not in that order.
Prompted by not wanting to scare the neighborhood children with my powder-white legs, around this time every year I reevaluate my relationship with the sun.
My best friend Regina, who is Italian and tans beautifully, always tries to encourage me to give it one last shot. Regina is what I call “Tanorexic.” No matter how dark she gets, she still thinks that she could use more sun. She is totally convinced that I could get a tan if I just worked at it.
Side note, banana peels will catch on fire if you put them in the microwave and even if you do succeed in drying them out, you will not get high if you smoke them. This lesson brought to you by Scotch circa 1992.
Like quite a few people of Irish decent, I burn like a like a Richard Gere poster in New Delhi when out in the sun. The sun became my enemy at the tender age of nine or ten after a day of fun with my friend and her family at Lake Cochituate. Jude, my mother, who believed if you were old enough to walk and use a toilet, you were old enough to make your own decisions and deal with the consequences, sent me out the door with a peanut butter sandwich and a hug, but neglected to give me SPF or warn me of the dangers of the sun. Just kidding mom I love you.
The burn was horrible - blisters, pus, huge pieces of skin everywhere - the absolute worst. I remember that HBO was premiering “The Muppets Take Manhattan” that night but I had to miss it because I had to lay face down in my parents bed with the fan blowing above me because if it blew on my skin I would scream. Also, my father did not believe in air conditioners – to him needing one was a sign of weakness. After he passed away we buried him, mourned him, and then hightailed it to Bradlees to buy an air conditioner. Not in that order.
Prompted by not wanting to scare the neighborhood children with my powder-white legs, around this time every year I reevaluate my relationship with the sun.
My best friend Regina, who is Italian and tans beautifully, always tries to encourage me to give it one last shot. Regina is what I call “Tanorexic.” No matter how dark she gets, she still thinks that she could use more sun. She is totally convinced that I could get a tan if I just worked at it.
But I never do, and therefore am forced to use no sun tanning products. Tomorrow or over the weekend I am going to write a review on the top three products that I have found over the years and my mishaps with them, so stay tuned.
Happy Almost Friday!!
posted by Betty Blog at 11:39 AM
5 Comments:
Scotch:
I (literally) feel your pain. I haven't worn shorts since my teenage years. I got a burn that was actually second-degree burns over 90% of my body when I was about 16 and I've assiduously avoided the sun, as much as possible being a ballplayer, ever since.
The most interesting thing about that burn, though, was about a week later. After all the peeling, everything tht touched me was a sensuous experience. I had lost - what? - two layers of skin or something and I got the tingles from just having a cloth shirt flow over my skin or from a cool breeze or whatever. Odd, hardly worth the pain that preceeded it, but immensely enjoyable nevertheless.
I am Suldog's cousin and I've only had one bad burn in my life and that was from going to a wedding in Florida in April and spending 10 drunken hours in the sun after not seeing the sun all winter. I am 100% Irish on my mother's side and on my father's I'm about 75%, so I can't explain the lack of burning. My brother Mark (who looks more like Suldog's side of the fam) used to have to wear a tshirt when he swam or would get fried. He used to blister in October if he wasn't covered up. I grew up in Hyde Park and we used to go to Lake Cochituate all the time.
Both my parents tanned like (christ what is his name??).... oh yeah, Robert Wagner. All of my cousins worship the sun and always look fantastic, so I can't figure out where me and my brother came from. My four year old niece's mom is also a tanorexic but just last week at the shower people kept on asking her if she was wearing make-up because her cheeks were so rosy against her all too familiar pale complexion (yeah, we put blush on kids, folks, just the type of people we are). So she's got it too.. I'm just looking for someone to blame for this and the lead at this point from your info, David points me to my father's side of the family.
Sorry for the long-winded response peppered with typos - I just got back from Soho with my friend Mike and broke my "four cocktail rule".
Thanks for the comments!!!!!
Be proud of your white skin. Melanoma is very serious. The worst that could happen from lack of sun may be a vitamin D deficiency. In such a case you could take vitamin D suppliments. next time you go to your doc ask her to check your D level just to make sure.
One way to help with the Vitamin D is by drinking lots of milk. Almost all of it is Vitamin D enriched.
Switch to White Russians for a while.
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