Trials of Tanning

Lordy it’s been awhile! So much has happened this week – I made soup, I kept on getting shooting pains in my ear due to allergies, I went to the supermarket. All truly, earth shattering exciting stuff. God it’s great to be me! Sarcasm really isn’t my strong suit, is it?

In any case, last week in one of my thirty blog entries I promised to write a review on some of the self tanning products I have used to add some color to my scarily white Casper-like appearance. Never one to back out of a promise (unless of course I promised to help you move or feed your dog or not drink before your wedding), without further ado I present to you the top three products I have had fairly good experiences with over the past four years or so.

No. 3 – Sally Hanson Airbrush Legs

I fell in love with this product when Amy discovered it about two years ago.

Pros: Went on evenly, has a natural look – not orangey or yellowy.

Cons: When you are applying it, it gets on everything. My sink, my shower, my floor, my cat, my glasses. Everywhere. Seriously. Everywhere.

Since I wasn’t about to stand out in my backyard buck naked (now that’s a mistake you only make once in your life), I had to give up on my beloved Sally, which was okay because I was getting the vibe she needed her space anyhow. I can be needy sometimes.

No. 2 – Mystic Tan

Who doesn’t like to strip down naked, go into a strange looking booth and spin, all while donning a sexy shower cap on their head? I’m certainly not raising my hand. Besides the anxiety of someone accidentally walking in on me (and this never ever went away), I became addicted to mystic tanning when it was popularized in 2003.

Pros: The first few times – no streaking, perfect coloring.

Cons: Pretty expensive for something that only last three or days. After a few times I had some bad experiences, detailed below.

One time, the tanning stuff pooled in my cleavage – it looked like a less severe form of the disease Michael Jackson is suffering from. At a business meeting, a woman (who no longer works with me thank god) looked at me and loudly proclaimed “oh, I know what that is – it’s a bacterial infection.” Then she lowered her voice and whispered that she had one once too, she got it in a pool. I announced that it was from mystic tanning – but it was too late, my other co-workers now thought I had bacteria on my boobies. The upside of this was I got my own special bathroom for a few weeks. Swanky.

Last summer for my friend Lady’s wedding I got a mystic tan. The morning of we were sitting on her front steps having coffee when all of a sudden she spits hers out in fit of laughter. “your feet! The bottom of your feet!! They are tanned!! You look like a freak!!” She was right, I guess I didn’t apply the lotion they give you for parts that you don’t want tanned correctly, the bottom of my feet were tanned and I did indeed look like a freak. The worst part is, after a few drinks at the reception, we found this absolutely hilarious and now Lady has several wedding pictures with me showing the bottom of my feet to friends and strangers alike. Again, swanky.

All in all, Mystic may be worth another shot, but I’m too nervous to do it again for a special occasion in fear of the boob pool or freaky feet.

No. 1
Jergens Natural Glow Daily Moisturizer

Another Amy discovery! Once I tried this I have never gone back to anything else. It ROCKS!! It is perfect for my really light skin – it gradually gives you just a bit of color.

Pros: Natural looking, does not streak, affordable, moisturizes (and they even have a “firming” kind now!), not fake looking.

Cons: If you are looking for a dark tan quickly, this is not the product for you. It’s a gradual process and the more you use it, the darker you get.

So that’s it folks! Happy Almost Friday! Hopefully I’ll have some more exciting shit to blog about soon, life is pretty dull lately – but that isn’t so much a bad thing.