Andelmans, Porta-Potties, OOB

Saturday was a busy day. I got up early because I had a gazillion appointments and then headed to meet some friends downtown at the Phantom Gourmet Beach Party BBQ. Although I thought I loved the Andelmans, after Saturday I'm starting to have second thoughts - you've got to hand it to them for this creative scam though. Anyhow, I’ll sum it up:

The Good

BEER!!! Plenty of it, cold and moderately priced Bud and Bud Lite. You cannot beat hanging around City Hall Plaza catching a buzz while scoping out all the folks dressed in purple.

The Bad

Okay, you’d have to really love barbecue to tolerate the huge lines for over-priced and reportedly (and experienced) mediocre food. Unfortunately, I am not so I refused to do so. I sampled some pulled pork and chicken from my buddies’ plates and although it was decent, certainly not worth waiting in line for 40 minutes. In fact, there are few things on this planet I would wait 40 minutes in line for. Not even beer but possibly sex and definitely sex and beer.

The Ugly

Ironically one cannot have too much good without needing to experience the ugly.

Porta-Potties.

Number one rule for Porta-Potties – just say no. But if you must, the number one rule changes to never, ever, never ever ever look down. These had to be the grossest portable toilets I have ever tangled with – and believe you me, you don't drink as much as I do never to have danced with these babies before. My stomach is seriously lurching as I type this from the memories so I am going to stop there.

Overall I had a good time but only because of the people I was with. Afterwards we went to “The Emerald” for a much needed clean bathroom, a few more beers, and some appetizers that totally sucked. Another thing just to say no to - Truffle Fries.

I jumped back on the green line home to sober up for an hour or so before I went to a small cocktail party in Watertown. It was at my friend Sand’s newly renovated house that looks like something out of the pages of Elle Décor magazine. Her boyfriend designed the whole place and I was just awe-struck (not to mention a little drunk.

Regina came with me, which I was very happy about because for one she tolerates the extra chromosome I develop when I am a bit tipsy (DAMMIT! I forgot the gifts! As we are ten minutes away from the party) and she also gives me a heads up when the booze starts talking for me.

“Lay off the pooch” she said.

The hooch?

“No, the pooch. Calling her dog a ‘handsome well behaved beast’ was as unfunny and creepily inappropriate the sixth time you said it as it was the first time you said it when we walked in.

Nuff said.

I was also happy Reg got to meet Sand and her boyfriend. Next week we are all going to be up in Old Orchard Beach for the week. So let the vacay countdown begin – 7 days to go!! Sun, fun, drinks by the pool, beach, cook outs, clam bakes, beer bellied dudes in Bermuda shorts!

Woo hoo, I can’t wait!!

Weekend Excerpt - the Walk of Shame

Well there is just way too much to write about this past weekend – my brother got married on Friday and my birthday was on Sunday, needless to say I did more drinking in the past five days than even the most seasoned alcoholics have done since the beginning of 2007.

After the wedding was over and the after party was in full swing I found it impossible to do two things – one, check into my hotel room, therefore I had to spend the night on the couch in a friend and his wife’s suite and two, going to get my bag with a change of clothes out of my mother’s car.

Because of this, when the sun rose and it was time to high tail it out of there and go to my mother’s car to throw on a track suit, I had no choice but the shamefully walk through the hotel lobby in my bridesmaid dress from the night before.

Five feet from the entrance I thought I had it made when I heard the all too familiar voice of my five year old niece, Kay, screech

“OH NANA!! THERE’S AUNTIE!!! LOOK AT HER BEAUTIFUL DRESS!!!”

Shit. I turned around to see my mother, Kay, the bride’s two brothers and their families and about a half dozen other relatives and friends of the bride and groom. Dammit. Shit.

All I could say is “this isn’t as bad as it looks.”

I’ve never been so ashamed.

Oh wait, yes I have.

Just One of the Guys

One of my oldest and dearest friends got married on Sunday. He has been like a second brother to me. My second brother, growing up he was always in a cast or on crutches hobbling over to my house anytime a member of the opposite sex came ten feet near my door demanding intentions be put on the table. My second brother, who I once blamed for a joint found in my coat pocket, who once told all the neighborhood boys I had more hair on my back than I did on my head (UNFOUNDED!!). He is a blessed hole in my head that second brother of mine.

The wedding was beautiful. I cried like a baby - one part because of beauty of it all and one part because of the voice whispering “it will never be you. You are going to die alone.” But soon my mother quieted down and the bar opened, my eyes dried and it was time to party.

This was a hometown bonanza, I saw people I haven’t seen in years. Crazy people. Fun people. I just knew it was going to be one of those nights. You know, those nights where you drop the entire contents of your wallet into the toilet (check) and wake up the next morning with a melted carvel ice cream cake all over your coffee table because you took it out to eat but passed out before you got a chance to attack it (double check)? Yeah, one of those nights.

Growing up I had a huge social circle that mostly consisted of platonic male friends. I haven’t seen most of them in several years so it was so great catching up. I was a bit surprised, we picked up like it was yesterday. I was quite shocked that even though we are all older and they don’t really know me that well anymore that they were fairly free to say whatever gross or inappropriate thing that came to their minds. I wasn’t offended so to speak, just surprised is all. Fairly flattered in a way – obviously I can still hang with the boys although don’t really know if I want to again anytime soon.

My mother (Jude) showed me some pictures. There is one of me with several of the guys, Tall Jake is behind me giving me a hug, everyone else is smiling but I look like I am about to scream.

“What’s with your face in this one?” she asks.

“Oh, Tall Jake told me he had an erection a second before you took the shot.”

And that pretty much sums up the whole evening. Great food, great drinks, great friends standing behind you with an erection as your mom takes a photo. I felt as if I was 14 again. And I wonder where the social anxiety around men comes from!?!?

The Boys Club

Well, I’m back after a very very long, almost too long, weekend of partying like a rock star – all in the name of happily ever after.

Saturday night the gals and I took out my future sister-in-law for her last Saturday night as a single lady. It was a lot of fun, we went to Bisuteki Japanese Steak House for dinner first. This is the place where the chef cooks the food right at your table. Great food, saki, and the possibility of getting a shrimp tail particle in your eye – I really don’t see the point of eating any other way.

After that we headed to a lounge in a popular downtown Boston hotel. There was some sort of convention in town and the place was crawling with escorts, old business men, and binge drinking 30 year old women (okay so that last part was me). Seriously, it was every wife’s worst nightmare – I swore I saw Ted Kennedy at one point. That was the other funny part about this place, there were so many frigin people who looked like celebrities. Richard Pryor’s twin was there, I had my picture taken with Paulie Walnuts doppelganger (Sopranos). I told him I hope he didn’t get whacked on Sunday. If I knew then what I know now I probably would have done away with him right then and there. Damn you Sopranos!

But we all had a great time, too many laughs to even remember. The cherry was when I was leaving a convention-goer from Chicago approached me and asked if I’d like to come up to his room so he could give me a massage. I declined but like the true creepy gentleman he was he went out to the street and hailed me a cab anyhow. See ladies, there are a few left out there - even if they are probably married with children and have a bottle of KY ready and waiting in their hotel room for the first girl who says yes. Chivalry is alive indeed.

I’m going to break this entry up – more to come.

Nickels and Jerry

Just because. Okay?

Overheard in Harvard Square

Ah graduation day! By far the best people watching day of the year in Harvard Square. I could write a million and one of these just from waiting for the (mofo late) bus last night for 30 minutes - but this one was the cutest:

Older Lady to Elderly Father: Dad, we are heading over to the Charles Hotel.

Elderly Father: Who?? What? WHY???

Older Lady: We are going to a very elegant restaurant. Don't worry, it's very nice.

Elderly Father: WHY!?? WHY??

Older Lady: Because your grandson, Jonathan, just graduated from Harvard University and we are going to celebrate.

Elderly Father: Oh, that's right. Good for him. Ata boy.

Girl Meets Boy, Boy Calls Girl Nasty

Girl meets Boy through Friend and Friend's Husband.

Boy asks Girl out, and although Girl realizes she was wearing beer goggles at time of introduction decides to go.

Girl gets pedicure, wears sexy dress. Girl tells co-workers, mother, friends.

Boy picks Girl up. Girl realizes that she was not so much wearing beer goggles, but rather a rum soaked blind fold at time of introduction.

Boy and Girl go to dinner. Boy tells Girls life history and shows Girl five stacks of pictures from travels. Boy asks nothing about Girl and interrupts when she tries to engage in the conversation. Boy tunes Girl out by watching Red Sox game whenever she manages a word in edgewise.

Girl hates boy. Girl needs to drink, and drink heavily to get through date.

Girl loosens up. Girl makes a joke. Boy tells Girl he does not find her funny and proceeds to tell several jokes. Girl doesn't find Boy much funny either.

Girl under impression that Boy also hates Girl. Girl tells Boy that she realizes Boy does not feel a connection here but she was glad they went out nonetheless and had a good time (lie).

Boy takes Girl home and asks if he can spend the night. Girl wishes she had mace. Girl makes a speedy exit.

Friend's Husband runs into Boy several days later and asks how date went. Boy says everything was going great, he really liked girl, but then she turned into a Nasty Bitch.

Girl is upset. Girl analyzes situation with co-workers, mother, friends. Co-workers, mother, friends reassure Girl she is not a Nasty Bitch.

Girl starts to wonder if she will ever meet Right Boy.

Word to the wise....

Hi Everyone:

I just like to let you all know that I am no longer holding myself accountable for drunk dialing you.

In fact, if (when) I do get hammered and call you up to talk about the latest episode of Celebrity Fit Club or to tell you something extremely important about my cat, I will be angry at YOU the next day for picking up the phone in the first place.

You oughta be ashamed of yourself.

Scotch